Friday, January 1, 2010

The First Goodbye

New Years Ever party tonight, at the Ray farm. Games and lots of very rich food. Headed home at 10 pm…

My poor husband. His wife is crying again. In the grand scheme of things, it is kind of silly.

I thought we were saying goodbye to my sister Rachel, her husband, and little Bella on Monday. As we were leaving, I found out that their flight time had changed, and because of all of ours schedules, we were not going to see them again before they leave for Brazil, and we leave for China.

I am NOT ready to say “goodbye”. But it is time.

GOD! It gets harder EVERY SINGLE TIME. I have been saying goodbye to her for the last 8 years. When I went to Brazil, when I got married and left. When she got married and left. When I moved to China. Now I am going again. And she is going. And it actually hurts MORE every time. I am not joking. Ripping, stabbing pain. In the gut. My face is blotchy and red, and I just want to throw up.
I think it is quiet possible that it DOES hurt more every year. I think that my capacity to love grows greater every year. The more I am loved, the more people I am given to love, the more I grow, and the more my heart grows. It is an amazing phenomena.

I take my anger out on the evil one. I hate him for the things that separate humanity from our maker. I hate those things that require the sacrifice of our lives and our loves and our desires so that we must go into all the world. Our maker MEANT for us to grow up and raise our children within the warmth and love of an ever-growing and expanding family unit. That was the original plan.

Oh, how I long for the day that every tear will be wiped away, even the silly little ones for a sister I miss with all my heart.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can relate to this.

Not that it's much consolation, but we're really excited to see you guys!!