Monday, October 26, 2009


It has been a while since I felt the EMOTION. I KNOW who I am in the Son. I trust and KNOW that my heart loves Him. I KNOW I will obey, and serve Him forever.

But for at least a year, I have just felt dry. I feel like I have poured out, and wrung out until I am empty. Some days I have looked at my girls, or my husband and thought, “don’t even BOTHER asking me for anything, because I haven’t got ANYTHING left to give you!”

When Matthew and I talked about our time in America, our goals and such like, one of them was that we just wanted to meet with our Creator. We wanted to have some time at the IHOP in Salem, just worship with some of our favorite leaders in some of our favorite places all over the country. We wanted to encounter Him. To be “filled” our selves. (for lack of a better word!)

As I may have mentioned before, NOTHING has gone according to plan since we got here. NOTHING!!! We are loved, and cared for, but so many things we hoped would happen have not. So many plans didn’t work out as expected. We have been discouraged, busy, and having a great time with our old and new friends.

Friday night our friend watched the girls so we could go to a “worship night” with some brothers and sister. I sat there, on the floor, and He continued a work that He began in my heart maybe 2 weeks ago. He is softening. Touching, shaping. Enabling me to FEEL something again.

I think of an old Keith Green song, “oh what can be done, with and old heart like mine? Soften it up, with oil and wine…” He isn’t doing this through any big breakthrough emotional service, or an hour alone with Him, (heaven knows, there hasn’t been time for THAT!!) but He is doing it by DIRECTING our paths. By orchestrating events in such a way that we are entirely defendant on Him. Desperate to the core for His will to be done.

We NEED Him, just as much as ever before. And in this place, the oil and wine is working its work on my heart.

I feel you.

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I didn’t work myself up to it, but tears fall down my face as I drive alone to the fellowship where my husband will be teaching this Sunday. He is already there. And I relish the moment, and I don’t care what my kids are doing in the back seat. “I am FEELING YOU. YOURE BEAUTIFUL”, I scream, much to Zoe’s concern.

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

Esther only got up once tonight. I looked out the window, and could see stars. They are so bright without pollution. I feel that aching inside, “I need you, you’re beautiful!”

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

It is a process, isn’t it? Finding Him in every day. When you can’t feel Him, trusting that it is YOU that changed, NOT Him. “NOW”, I want to yell at Him sometimes, “I NEED to feel you.”
Find a way. Next time you see something beautiful, know it is Him. Find Him in it, and if you can scream it, do it with me…


“Beautiful” by Phil Wickham


mama said...

Hallie, this is beautiful...and so raw and real. May we all continue to be softened. Oh, Lord, take our dry places and desert times and replace it with the Living Water of your presence. I love this verse from Jer. 17:7:"Blessed is the man/woman who trusts in the Lord, whose trust IS the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by a river,that extends it's roots to a stream. It will not fear when the heat comes, for it's leaves will be green, and will not be anxious in a year of drought (the dry times), nor cease to bear fruit." And...""Behold I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert."-Is. 43:19. Yahoo! May he just pour out his living water on you...may the days ahead be filled with him. Exciting days are ahead!

Robins Egg Blue said...

oh wow hallie, you are amazingly transparent, I have been there, am there too, thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing, thank you for the song, I have tears running down my face. I am surrounded by His beauty and yet have few people to share my awe with, I now know you get it, and I can email you! Enjoy the sunrise
Jessica Nick in Montana( aka Robins Egg Blue!)

jesse said...

Enjoyed your blog. I hear nothing but a heart crying out for it's Creator and that is a beautiful thing.